i know

i know... I said I was back and I've been gone just as long as the time's' before. This is one of the reasons why I didn't want to start this until I was fully ready to make the commitment. But even then... I have no regrets. I do wish and even hope that one day I will be able to fully commit to the time that is needed to redeem and even accelerate the dynamics of this here blog. But till then... your stuck wit me... this... the uncertainty of what it means to be BeautifullyODD.

As some of you may know... a lot of things have happened, as always, and I decided to go back to school after a long conversation with a good friend. Though I felt that art school was not a possible option for myself... I decided to go back to community college to obtain my Graphic Design and Illustration degree at Sierra College. And let me tell you... I have learned so much within the past three weeks, than I will have ever learned in attending an "Ivy League Art School" for the price of free99. (it has cost and i will get to that) but in the end the cost of me attending this school compared to an "expensive" art school... where I would have to repay 80grand+ back in school loans is incomparable.

I do want to make one thing clear... as inconsistent as this blog has been, as inconsistent as I have been in trying to pull everything together... the opportunity I have now and the ability to learn as much as I have and will (considering this is only my first semester back in school after graduating in photo. and it only being the third or so week in school) has allowed me to take my dreams to a whole notha level. I feel as if the knowledge alone, will not only give me the potential to grow and follow my dreams, but actually allow me to make something substantial.

As I stated earlier... there is cost. But as my cousin said... "I'm on a budget... its a recession" and I just cannot except the idea of spending HELLA money on going to an art school when I can be investing that same money in my ideas, my hopes and dreams. Yes, you have to invest in yourself... and I believe that is what I am doing. But I ain't rich. Are you going to pay for my schooling? I didn't think so. So... I feel as I have made the best alternative decision possible and I am so excited about the little adventure I am taking.

Which brings me to the next big thing... and I probably shouldn't comment to much on it because I am a conspirator... I have come across some money that will allow me to breathe again and continue to invest in my art and dreams. I would and if I could even explain the dynamics of my hopes, my ideas... but I feel so secretive with them... theIr Golden. And though my ideas or hopes may not stand out amongst the millions of other artist influencing our world... I'm one more... hopefully one that can and will find her voice... and be able to influence the nation.

a few steps away from glory
not dependent on society as much as much as i'm dependent on myself.
the key is in my hand... i stand there... seconds away from slipping it into the lock
a twist away from my destiny.
and yet this very moment is what counts. regardless of, what i like to call circumstancial responsibilities, right now... i truly feel like anything and everything is beyond possible.
but it won't happen till i unlock the door...
fuck fear... i'm just ready to be happy
and i think i've chosen the right door... i know i have
a twist away from my fate
this is my life...
ill love it till the end of time

love me
beautifullyODD
ps. i'm still here... went on vacation, been busy and as Arnold says... "I'll be back." :)

What makes ME an Artist?

"There is so much I want and need to say and yet just do. A lot has happened in these past few months. And I don't know where to begin. Pieces of me come forth in my art and I try to grasp the moments and express them as well as I can before they disappear back into the dark void."



On a brighter note :D I have every intention in posting the continuation to I'm back (I need to make some corrections and add some things). But right now I want to share somethin else:

During this much needed break I asked myself...
"What makes me an ArTiST?": the word Artist holds so much acclaim to me. I remember getting into a debate with one of my photography teachers about; What makes your work, art? The debate was that it takes another person, to say your work is art; You can not say that your own work is art unless it has been given that name by someone else. I was furious. How can you tell someone that their work is not art?

Art is based in expression and though their is a grade level of quality attached to it, its rooted in the meaning and the feeling that comes from it. Why else can someone hang a blank canvas on a museum wall and it be deemed art. Being an artist is about being true to the moment and its an expression of who we are as individuals and as a whole.

Anyway... I think before I held to much pressure on myself to be what I considered a great artist; I doubted my abilities because of it. Their are so many types and forms of artistic expression and which ever way I choose to do so I want to do with confidence and belief in thy self. But I still questioned and wondered what makes me an artist... why should I even continue down this avenue... am I even good?

As I spring cleaned my apartment I came across old sketch books, my old animation portfolio, paintings, memories and other miscellaneous things that showed me that, Art is a part of who I am. So as I looked back at my artistic life, though not every attempt was successful, I did have some good moments. And to be able to recognize that was freeing. I realized that regardless of where I go with my artistic adventure I'm going to enjoy it. It's not about the acclaim its about enjoying the journey with it. That is why I am excited about going back to school for applied art & design. I just want to enjoy the journey with it. See where it takes me... because I never want to say I turned my back on it because I was afraid I'd never have someone else say its so.

So, be confident in who you are as an artist. Enjoy the journey, enjoy those moments, and let it nurture your soul.

I am back...

As some of you know... I've taken a much needed break from blogging and doing my art. It was hard to walk away from it for as long as I have but I'm officially back. There came a point a few months back when I realized some changes needed to seriously be made if I were going to continue on this journey. It's even hard now, writing this, knowing and hoping my blog could be ten times better than it is now. But because I have gotten back into my art after a much needed break, I have to share some of the things I've been doing and where this is all going.

After holding my first tangible product for my product line I realized, "Shit! If you really apply yourself, believe in your talent, focused your time and energy towards this dream, and get your ish together you could actually make 'this' happen." It was this grand epiphany that startled me to my core and made me think twice about where I was headed. And though I was able to wear the ear rings I made, they still were not up to my standards. But I knew with a little fine tuning, practice, a lot of patience, and will power; something could come from this. But that of its own was to much for me to handle. The pressure and the idea that each thing I made had to be amazing was like a dump truck attached to my heart. Plus it was time for some MAJOR spring cleaning.

So first thing first was cleaning up my messy apartment. I have so much art stuff (believe i may have explained this before... idk) that its in my kitchen cabinets, under my futon, in both hall closets, in my bedroom, and in my dining room. The only places unoccupied are my bedroom closet and bathroom. And if my enlarger wasn't the size of a television I'd probably have it in the bathroom. But it was just so unorganized in my tiny apartment; with dishes, clothes, and other crap strewn around I was two steps away from losin it. It literally took weeks to clean. (Trust... I got OCD... if your like me you have an accumulation of art supplies: paints, stamps, assorted papers in shoe boxes and tubs, books, utensils, research, and etc.) But the end result is priceless. Back in October I started purchasing materials for my art space in my bedroom. First I purchased my board and desk and just in May my chair. It took months to make it what it is now. But I am truly happy that I am now able to sit there every day after work and do my Art work. It's a constant motivation.

This is getting long... Next: it's one thing to spring clean your home and organize all of your art stuff but it's another thing to spring clean your mind, body and soul.

what is BeautifullyOdd?

I'm almost there... a few steps away to a new phase of my life. Still much to do. But I can feel a change coming. A change that I must embrace with an open heart and mind. Scary; But thrilling. I have this crazy amount of faith I'm trying to develop. You see... I'm in no way... quote one quote... normal. And that's what BeautifullyOdd is all about. It's for any person who thinks they have to be someone else to be beautiful; To think that they have to be a perfect size or have great skin and amazing hair. BeautifullyOdd is for the chicks that seem a little crazy and are boldly different by choice. BeautifullyOdd is who I am. I'm representin for the girls wit dreams... who dare to be themselves... who dare to be BeautifullyOdd.

xoxo
Olisa Rachele

Leave...

I get the urge to leave a lot. To just get in my car and go. Sometimes I drive for hours, just so that I can leave my troubles behind. I love the way it feels; the air blowing on my face, the cruising, the time to clear my head, the ability... to see more. (exhale)

Something in me is changing or maybe I'm just finding a piece of me that I buried away many years ago when I couldn't afford to slow down. I haven't been working. It's still calling my name, but I needed a break. I was extremely serious about the previous post. Last weekend I started to see the bigger picture. I started to see what my hard work and determination would create. And though I have my ups and downs; I know and firmly believe that I can be successful. It took a great second to even come to this part of my revelation but I'm seriously spring cleaning my soul and my apartment. I've been walking around blindly since I graduated. It will be a damn year this May. Crazy. (and I got up to check just to make sure I wasn't losing my mind). But I mention all this because my heart is vying for my attention. My need for order and peace is busting through the hinges.

I've been enjoying the weather, sitting on my balcaony with tea and a good book. Just relaxing. And today I realized I really need to organize my art stuff. It's everywhere. I have a small place but I have stuff in my kitchen cabinets, under my futon in the living room and my dining area is where my computer is. I have photo stuff tucked away in the hallway closet, in another one I have books, paints and more, then I have a desk in my bedroom that contains more stuff like rulers and etc. But it's ridiculous. I cannot afford a second bedroom right now so after a week in here its all mayhem and fullishness. But in the midst of it all I realized that I need a clean, organized work space. I will just have to pick up whatever I do the night before and put it away. I can't let it get ridiculous in here.

But besides all that my spirit is just regrouping. I'm refilling my brain and heart with positivity. Working and reading books like, "Think and Grow Rich", by Napoleon Hill. Amongst the photography books, inspirational success stories, and educational info, I'm just preparing myself. It's bout to initially start; I think after my bday... MAY 27 :) It seems far but time goes fast... like I said, a year! It has been successful. A lot has happened. But I'm content, grateful, and just ready to proceed. So... I'll do some updates in between... I'll probably post notes... just info I come across that I think is important.

Spring Cleaning

I do not have the pleasure of knowing a lot of artist on a personal basis. So as I take on this artistic journey, I'm doing so from the very beginning stages. I do have a degree in photography and have been exposed to many different art mediums; But that does not make me "educated" or great. Though I have the AA, I'm not the brightest crayon in the box. Yes, I know a few things but I can't tell you every vocabulary term for photography and I still haven't wrapped my head around "exposure equations." As I embark on this journey, I'm starting from scratch.

In the last couple of weeks I've realized what it will take for me to get to my mountain top. And let me tell you I lost my mind in trying to figure it out...

It can be difficult to find someone to relate to artistically. Someone with whom you can genuinely share a healthy artful relationship; Encouraging, and helping each other out. I believe it's important to have some one their to tell you where you can improve and encourage you to do your best, push you to excel, and remind you to believe in yourself.

Us artist are EMOTIONAL! At least I am. Which means I need to look into art community groups on line because I'm not trying to end up like Edgar Allen Poe or Van Gogh. I don't want there to be any debate on whether or not I cut my ear off (wtheck). And this is where I mention, after losing my mind, I finally had my epiphany.

I became frustrated with my art the other day and I realized that my art is the last thing that should be making me want to pull my hair out. Why do it? Why attempt to if its going to make me feel horrible? But I didn't let the thought linger, I brushed it away because I know I can never walk away from it. But why was I upset? This may sound crazy, but hey, I believe us artist have deep souls. We see things differently, we feel things with heightened senses. We notice the little things: like the way the leaves blow, and how the wind feels when it brushes our skin, we see this connection to another dimension. We feel inclined to tell its story, in one form or another, we try. We try to find the light with in. So... I realized my light was dim. It wasn't connecting to my art. I was losing the connection; my ability to see.

This didn't happen over night. I had allowed it to slip away from me years ago. I was reading Oprah's magazine (I'm not her biggest fan but the poetry issue was really good.) and they did an interview with Mary Oliver. She is an amazing poet, you must read "The Journey", AmAzing. But at the end of her interview I just felt my spirit open. My spirit is my compass, my eye, my ability to do my art. And to read Mary Oliver's story was truly inspiring. She made me remember why it is I do what I do. Why I am who I am. It truly touched me.

In conclusion, I realized my spirit needs loving. It needs to breathe... it needs me. I don't want to lose this connection. I want to grow old and be able to inspire many. To have a heart, a spirit, that shines brilliantly. In order to be TRUE to my art, I need a TRUE connection with my spirit.

Olisa Rachele
BeautifullyODD

The reason I smile in the end...

God is teaching me a lot about myself. He is molding, pruning, healing, fixing... ME. I say all this because I had a crazy week at work and a very progressive week in my Art.

Work... whatever. If you ever worked in an office I'm sure you already know! But the reason I mention it is because I know that at the end of the day, I can't let NO one steal my thunder. Work will always be just work. You have to do it! I NEED my paycheck! So, we put up wit it cause we have to survive. I'm willing to continue to do and magnify my best. Bottom line...

sO with all that mess to the side coming home was like heaven! hahahaha And let me tell you I am so proud to say that my earrings were a success! I'm really excited to continue on with that project. Trust me, it was not planned. I have two paintings going, photos to edit, and tutorials that I need to really dig deep in.

The EARRINGS: I purchased a ring years ago that had tiny stone settings. Well, all the stones fell out. I had planned years ago to fill in the gaps with polymer clay. Well as I was messing around with the clay... I got the earring idea. So I have been making my own beads.

Paintings: one is still in progress and the other one is staring at me blankly... (don't know what I want to do with it.)

What made me really smile today is that I went and bought more supplies. Couldn't afford to but had the itch. I spent $19.94 on paint, five batches of clay, two canvas' and one tiny box of sterling earring hooks. (figured i'd buy the expensive box of sterling hooks then the big box which was cheaper and had more hooks so that I could improve quality. at least in the long run.) I saved $9.94. It may sound crazy to be excited over my savings and purchases but I decided that today is the day I save my receipt. And for all those business owners... you know what I mean. It's going on the wall! I do not have my business license yet but it will all work out in time.

So, this weekend will be very productive. Much to do. A painting to finish, earrings to mold and bake, research and studying, photos to edit and some tutorials to work on.

(keep ya posted)
Olisa Rachele
BeautifullyODD

(suppose to be posted on Friday) didn't have time to take pics

Gold

At what point, does one notice, their life has gone array?
At what point, do they close their eyes, ignoring their inner conscience; and embracing their old ways?
At what point in time, do they realize that, that one little thing would set off a course of chain reactions, which would then effect and become the sum of their own life.

Granted, we are all aloud re-starts, but to obtain one we have to learn something empirically beyond our own reach and grasp. Their it dangles, like a bee spreading its pollen. So dangerously close, like warm honey poured onto your heart.

At which moment did I fuck up all this to begin with. If I was given a choice in any of this, I'd like to know, to which point did I so EPICALLY screw the fuck up. It would be nice to know. I get the whole, "we, us humans, don't need to know nor understand life's secrets," and that "faith... in the end is all we need". But sometimes, I'd like to have a damn guide book. Yes, the bible... but I'm talkin about an answer or a sign, a yes or a no. A clear concise answer. Is that hard to do? Are us humans undeserving of a simple yes or no? I get it, we'd get lazy, and their for fail and I also get that the way things are... are just fucking perfect! I get it. But just so you know God, a guide book of some sort, a brain, that doesn't tend to forget, worry, doubt and so much more would have been a little helpful for this conquest you so eagerly placed on my heart! EXHALE!!!

At what point do I allow my self to look away from the obvious and and find myself lost again. At what point do I willingly decide to not do what I know is right... and therefor stand where I am now. Was it because I didn't wash the first dish I threw in the sink, or because I left my shoes by the front door or decided to go and purchase another pack of cigs. Or was it when I decided that what was important was no longer even a thought. So now the third dish is in the sink, another pair of shoes by the door, this time I dropped the mail, and o shit... i'm out of cigs. How many pairs of shoes are by the door now? five. How many miscellaneous pairs of clothing are littered from my bathroom to my bedroom? Tons. How man decisions did I partake in that so willing caused me to feel the effects today? I lost count.

I'm at that point, I need a re-start. But what will I do with it. Trash it like the others, or cherish it like Gold.

just let it go and be HAPPY

Do you ever think too much? I do. I think way too damn much. My "thinking" to much causes anxiety. It would be the death of me if I didn't know any better. I need to adopt this "live in the moment" attitude. Just let shit go and don't let it fester and pester with in me. I'm serious... when does one know to just stop. I'm at that point right now but it's taken the whole day to come to this realization. Just Stop! Say screw it.

I created a bad painting yesterday and from there my whole world went cockide. I started wondering, doubting, being all emo... and I can't take that shit. It's so damn annoying. And I've tried to explain away the feelings by rationalizing each and every mood, feeling, and thought. It's this worm whole! I swear, I hate it!

And to be honest, I know that not every painting will be a success. I know that there will be bumps in the road. But my mind seems to forget and all common sense flies out the window. I think that's why I had said that by me letting go of this dream, I could feel more at ease in enjoying the journey. If I can stop focusing on the bigger picture so much and just enjoy the little things I do to get there, I could be a lot happier.

ugh... on a more chipper note... I sold my first painting today. SEE... I have no reason to feel the way I do. I should be proud. And I am. I am grateful, and it has given me much hope and the ability to believe in myself. (though I sometimes want to scream and cry when I f one up). I handed it over and teared up. A piece of me was leaving.

As I've mentioned before... to harbor a dream is indeed a catch 22. At least for me. I can be my own worst enemy. I seriously need to learn to let shit go. Don't feed into my sickening thoughts. And just do what I got to do. I just want to be happy and enjoy the process. That's all that matters. (o how easily us humans forget)

Olisa Rachele

(and i just took a project out of the oven. tried to make some polymer clay earrings... kinda burned... oops. maybe i can polish em up but i mos def need to try again... hum??? have faith and believe in thy self!)

thank you God

I am finally feeling happy, despite other issues in my life that I refuse to let drown me. I recognize my faults and know that I need to seriously work on them. To dream is a catch 22. You are always fighting for your piece of the cake. You are in control of that dream… Not to say that your dream isn’t in God’s hands but what you do to obtain that dream is the result of your actions. You can be lazy and do nothing and it will slip away as quickly as the New Year comes to an end. (It’s already APRIL!) Or you can be courageous and take action and end up achieving more than you ever imagined.

As I approach this new transition of my life, I realize that in many ways, it has just begun… I pray, hope and plead that I can stand up and do my part. In order to make the necessary changes in your life, you sometimes have to take a serious hard look in the mirror; A look that we sometimes never want to face. You have to embrace it… except it, and learn from it. And I hope that I can learn before I fall back into that 10ft grave.

Some people have been through hell and back just to claim their piece of the cake. Look at Tyler Perry for example. He was living in his car, trying time after time to make his dream come true. And finally, it worked. I admire a person’s will to achieve a dream that has so much effervescence.

I can admit… I’m getting scared. Not so much scared of failure… but scared that I will lose this spark in me that is just now starting to glow. I had done an art series about my heart and its existence a few months ago. I questioned it’s cracks, it’s pain, and whether or not I even had one. And if I had one, why couldn’t I feel it, and how do I get God’s love to heal it.

I’m still working on my heart, but now that I see it glowing, I want to try my damndest to not let my light go out.

(I stood in the bathroom stall at work, taking in all of this, praying. Please God, help me be wise about the decisions I make. I’ve come so far, and only because of you. Please continue to guide me, love me, and nurture me. I’m afraid your going to do something crazy… like you’ve got some huge empirical growth experiment. I know you know what’s best for me. And I truly love you and thank you for everything. Inhale exhale… lets do this… I know not to dwell on this worry, anxiety, doubt, and fear, but believe in your strength in me.) THANK YOU GOD

Spring is finally here...

Spring is finally showing its beautiful face... and let me tell you... the feeling is surreal. While at work I spent some time writing some poetry. It really helped since I was knee deep in my perplex-ia. When I came home... I finally saw my evening for its real potential. It's not like I don't come home, work and get stuff done but today when I walked in the door I was like, "hummm, what do I want to do." Spring is one of the most beautiful seasons and it makes me feel like anything and everything is possible. Especially this year. I think it's because I am finally able to see and enjoy life. When your runnin around, back and forth to school, work, and doing things for family... you kinda live a blinded life.

BUT NOT THIS YEAR. The sun is nourishing my soul and to see the light is very encouraging. So what do I want to do today?

(pondering the idea)
1. I want to work on my tutorials.
2. Work in my art journal which helps me formulate my ideas and work through my craziness.
3. I have a board in my room that is still half empty and it's suppose to home some of my ideas and inspiration.
4. I REALLY WANT TO TRY SOMETHING IN ILLUSTRATOR... granted I have not finished my tutorials which is even more encouraging for me to get to work... but i want to start making designs. I can't wait to be able to do that. That is going to be AWESOME!!!
5. I have photos I have to edit for my cousin... and I have photos that I still have not touched from my trip to napa...
6. Eventually crack open one of those business books that were stashed in my car for years. It's been in the back of mind to start with the personal / small business finance one. I'm a starving artist and maybe it can help me get my own money straight. That way I can put my money towards my business and be able to afford film / developing, fabric, paint, canvases and soooooo much more. (can u dig it?)
7. read bible and meditate

so... I better get started.

Day 31

Today is the last day of the month... the last day to my 31 days of March. Though some what unsuccessful, it was successful in all the right ways. And let me tell you, today was bitter-sweet; And I'm not talkin about the wine tasting segment.

I went to Napa for the first time today and spent it with some great friends. We seriously had a blast. (Photo's to come later. It's late and it's time for bed.) But what made this day bitter-sweet was the meeting I had with a fellow photographer.

His advice and wisdom was greatly cherished. SERIOUSLY! But as always, when I left, I felt extremely perplexed. In need of comfort, reassurance, faith, motivation, love, and so much more. It wasn't so much as the doubt that was eating away at me but the realization that the next phase of my life as an artist is a phase in which I relentlessly pursue my dreams.

I know this sounds tried and cliche. I can be sorta of a repeat button. But hear me out... This morning when I picked up my prints for my meeting... (I was already dressed from head to toe, make up on and feeling extremely confident. And as I have mentioned before, confidence has been a great struggle for me.) But on my way home to meet up with my friends, I remembered the little kid that was scared, yet had dreams as big as the North Star, desperately wanting to be happy, confident, artsy, and "in control of her life". I felt this connection. It's hard to explain... but today I felt like the woman I dreamt of being when I was that little girl.

To hear the words my photographer friend had to say made me realize what it's truly going to take to get to the play offs. His advice was exactly what I needed to hear. (will post some of his advice when I post pictures)

But in all this 31 days has been quite revealing. I know I can't give up, I told doubt to go screw him self, and I'm just more than ready to commit and do my part.
Olisa Rachele

Dear Bloggers

"Not everybody can be famous.
But everybody can be great,
because greatness is determined by service.
You don't have to have a college degree to serve.
you don't have to make your
subject and verb agree to serve.
You don't have to know about
Plato or Aristotle to serve.
You don't have to know
Einstein's theory of relativity to serve.
You don't have to know the second theory
of thermodynamics in physics to serve.
You only need a heart
full of grace and a soul generated by love."
Martin Luther King Jr.

With much love to all who read...

This journey is still in the beginning stages but it's a journey I'm willing to fight, cry, love, and be happy for.
To all chasing your dreams
stay
BeautifullyODD

Using my resources...

Today is my first solid attempt in taking advantage of my other resources. I have not learned Illustrator yet and because I can't afford to go to college I must learn it on my own... with the help of the internet. Within the first 20 minutes I was off to a good start, then confused and am now even more excited and motivated. Like I had mentioned before, I know that I can learn a program inside and out in no time. But this is just different. I'm doing this for fun... with a clear mind, and no pressure of my dream. But I am glad to say that the wealth of information out there is amazing. I have three tabs open and I feel like the biggest NERD ever. I'm googling and even enjoying video tutorials on Illustrator. awww... i love it. But in the end... Hopefully I will be able to post something soon... I have to put forth the effort in order to get my results. (there is something poetic about figuring something out on your own and taking action to get what you want. and i would love to become great at this so that i can say i didn't spend thousands to have to go to art school.)
much love!
xoxo
BEAUTIFULLYodd

Disappear...

Tears fell into the paint. The consistency of my heart and fear. Anger arose as my hands trembled across the canvas. A scream for help... desperate... for an answer. I yelled into the universe asking why; Seeking a form of confirmation. Some type of sign or answer that would yield me to never give up. If only You could answer me... If only I could hear You... If only I knew this, my dreams, are what You want me to chase. Red eyes gleaming, my heart astray, and more than anything, I want, I need, to hear You say, I can.

That night I wrote a little somethin...

Sometimes
i could truly scream
at the top of my lungs.
Do you hear me?
I don't know what to do.
How do I keep going
Pushing on is not an easy task.
I only need your approval
Yours and no one elses
Tears fill my eyes.
For sometimes
I do not know what to do.
Please God... Do you feel my pain.
My hunger...
PLEASE God.
I want this... you've placed this on my heart
Could I be wrong

I got up, turned off the lights, walked dizzily to my bed, and cried myself to sleep. For a brief moment, I thought, would it be to much of a miracle, if you would just type the words "NO". Could I awake the next morning and see that You answered. I suppose it was. I suppose I had answered the question as quickly as I thought of Your response. There is a deep burning desire within me. A desire to be the best person I can be. Creatively inclined since a child, nothing worthy of acclaim, but my imagination was always ready to play. Whether I used tape cassette cases as Barbie couches or sewed more clothes for Ken and my Kenya doll. I was resourceful, making my imaginary world my reality.

I sat in elementary school, watching a girl draw. I was hypnotized. Amazed of her capabilities. How, who, when, what was she doing? Such a new fangled thing. A pencil could be used to do much more than write my name over and over until it was perfect. Play dough turned into mini pizzas for my dolls as they went to the finest restaurants in town. And my Crayola stamp set, I wanted to treasure all the colors forever. And as I graced middle school, I saw you could turn an old pair of jeans into a bag. A bag that could hold anything I wanted, and that was much more fashionable and practical than my Caboodle.

The first two years of high school I felt out of place. My work was never as good as the one sitting next to me. It was never good in my eye. And trust... I can admit when something is bad... IT WAS. It was as if my imagination was not able to work with the tools in which I was given. Instead of using charcoal, I wanted to play in the pastels like the advance class. My self-portrait looked like a mutilated version of myself in a circus mirror. And whether it was confidence or maturity or just the ability to play with another form of medium... I finally felt at home in the Animation Club and my pottery class. Animation, in short was my victory over all the art classes. My teacher had told me that he had shown, my previous art teachers, my work and they were shocked because I was never extremely inclined in their classes. My pottery teacher told me she wish she could spend more time with me, to help mold me. I was good at something. I had finally claimed victory.

I say all this... because creativity... how ever big or small, has always been apart of my fiber. When I picked up my CanonAE1 for the first time, I fell in love. A bag had been sitting in my bedroom closet for years. My dad had stuff up there that I was not to mess with and I honestly became programmed to ignore it. But every now and then, I wondered what was in that Grey bag. And finally, one day, I took it down.

I'm lost amongst the creative art world. Every facade / medium whether it be paint, glue, sewing, designing, drawing, anything, you name it... every medium to me stands out like diamonds sparkling in the sun. I want to "oooo" and "awww" over each utensil. Explore it's being, inner and outer.

And as my tears fell across my canvas... I wondered, if I was truly taking the right path. Was I suppose to become a doctor or anything besides what it is I'm trying to achieve now? I wondered if my creative steps were all in vain. I've won a few awards and would, today, stand tall next to a few of my photos, but those minor victories, though meaningful, are not what drive me. It is my heart. A heart that I didn't really believe existed. In that heart, is my Grandmother. A woman who graced the stage, performed, and followed her dreams. She is the reason I can't give up. I guess, God will never hit me over the head with a direct answer. He does send messages to my heart, though I sometimes am unwilling or incapable of deciphering.

Though my dreams are only evolving, I have decided to focus on the here and now of it all. It's time for me to step back. In no way am I abandoning my dream. But by letting it go, and putting it in God's hands, and focusing on the here and now, I'm allowing myself to trust in God. These simple little words impacted me greatly this week, "Follow your heart and it will take you where you need to go."

I will follow it till the end of my time.

BeautifullyODD
Olisa Rachele

continued...

ok... so when i ran off earlier it was because I got an idea of what i want my look to look like. But i do believe i need to expand my horizons. i didn't pay all this money for my programs to not use them. so... inhale exhale. I need to sit down and do a bunch of tutorials. it's not like i'm going to art school, so i will create my own school. :O PRAY FOR ME! I need to approach this with a positive attitude. I must!!! Depending on how long it takes me to do one... I will attempt to do at least one to two a week. CURSE EXPENSIVE ART SCHOOLS!!! I can do this... i just need to learn the tools of the trade. AND not to gloat but I've been under worse pressure: high school computer animation; learned a program in a week. So goal is to learn illustrator. And by the 31st i want at least two tutorials completed. plus with the skills i learn... translate them into my own creation. (God, you already know what all this means to me.) BeautifullyODD

ps... my 31 days is almost over. and though I have not had one perfect work day I've learned a lot so far. Apart of me wants to walk away from all this(blog) again. I know not to...
1. I know I don't care what the negative people in my life have to say
2. Being CONTENT with my resources and taking action by putting them to use
3. Being confident in my skin...
4. to keep moving forward...
5. I'm not a morning person
6. working out... shit i'm thick... i'll do it when i feel like it (pass me the jello to add to my whip cream) lol
7. I want this
8. ...

Birth of an ArtisticIDentity

It's day 21. All hope has not been abandoned. If anything it's just now rearing it's "BeautifullyODD" head. I do not know who I am as an artist. If anything... my art should be a representation of who I am, what I feel and believe. But how do I even begin to translate that. I see so many different artist out there who seem to have their own specific identity. What is mine? And this is not to say that one's identity does not evolve. But what is my artistic identity?

The reason I bring up this subject is because I promised to you all, and myself, that I would produce a plan. In trying to think of one, I immediately felt overwhelmed, discouraged, and lost. I have a list of 43 things I wish to achieve, work on, learn, and just do in one form or another. Though I can not disclose everything on my list, when I looked at it, I didn't know where to begin. So I asked myself:

1. What do you want to do?
Out of all of them I want to revamp my look and not only that, but create a style for myself. (includes website, flyers, business cards, invoices, tags, blog, online store: the style has to be reflective in all)

2. How can that be achieved?
I know I can continue to paint, which I have a very abstract approach to. Second, there is sketching, I know I need to do more of that. And then their is my photography. All three of those things are extremely essential in achieving my goal. But there are some other tools I have yet to learn. For example, I really want to get into using Illustrator and Corel. By learning these programs and continuing to sketch, continue taking photos, and painting... I can begin to determine my artistic identity.

So... I know that in order to achieve that I need to sketch for so long a day; Work on certain programs for 2-3hours a day. That can be done. But I'm searching for a look. I got an idea...
Time to get to work...

Day 17 & 18 Being Content yet Taking Action

I've been reading a book that was suggested by one of my favorite artist, Stephine Levy. It's called. "The Creative Habbit", by Twyla Tharp. Tharp's book is truly amazing and it is very inspiring. It's for creative people who struggle forming habits and how to become a better artist by implementing certain habits and realizing the type of person you are so that you can be more effective as an artist.

But what struck me the most today was the chapter on "accidents will happen". Tharp talks about being content with what you have now. "Whom the gods wish to destroy, they give unlimited resources". Let me tell you, at first the quote didn't make sense. I was confused, but as I read on, she explains how when you are given abundant riches you tend to make more mistakes and end up settling. You have to read it to really take in what she says but to reinforce the quote above, here are a few more that help explain what I'm trying to say:

"I use to bask in the notion that all my obstacles to creative efficiency would
vanish if I only had exactly the right resources: my own studio space, my own
dancers... But I've learned that the opposite is true: Limits are a secret
blessing, and bounty can be a curse."

"It's better to be ready to go than to wait until you are perfectly ready."

"No deprivation, no inspiration. No then, no now."

"Remember this the next time you moan about the hand you're dealt: No matter how
limited your resources, they're enough to get you started."

"Necessity will continue to be the mother of invention."

In saying all this, if you've read any of my post this past week on fb you know I've been joking around about trying to find a man who can take care of me. I was asking, "Does anyone know a man who would be willing to take care of me for 3 to 5 years so that I don't have to hold down a job and focus on starting a business." Now I know that even if I did find one I wouldn't do it. I'm no "Gold Digger". But sometimes it's hard. Though I greatly depend on my job, I wish I could focus more on my dreams. Working full time is such a bore and I hate being stuck behind a desk when your getting ideas and can't do anything with them but write them down. I'm not struggling struggling... But it would be nice to get some extra change. On that note, I'm sure you're thinking the same thing. Who can't use an extra bit of cash?

But in the end, I know it wouldn't be as worth wild, achieving my dream, with the help of some man. I want this and I definitely don't need a mans help. Sorry, not man hatting but after being burned a couple of times.... I shouldn't even have to explain myself. lol

Yes, I could use a bigger studio space, a working sewing machine, endless supply of paints and fabric, and the list can go on and on. But I have been grateful to have what I have. And I admit, though I have intentions to use what I have, I have not.

Which takes me back to the plan. I still promise to post it, no later than tomorrow night. (and i'm almost done editing my cuzo's pics!)

I have been truly inspired this week. I even brought those books up from my car and there's about eight of 'em. One on management, marketing, understanding business, and finance. So, there is much to do. I can no longer moan and continue to make excuses. It's time to be content with my resources and take greater action in developing myDream.

BeautifullyODD
Olisa Rachele

Continued...

So... I'm off work... THANK YOU GOD. I'd quit in a heart beat if I could afford to take care of myself and still pursue my art. But hey... I can say I'm grateful.

But now that I'm off work... created another painting and downed a glass of wine... It's time to get to work on finishing another project.

It was a rough day. Mentally that is. But they don't call me EMOlisa for no reason. lol I can smile to that. I'm up and down like a roller coaster... but as my disciple also told me... If it weren't for my emotions, the way I feel things, I wouldn't be the artist I am.

I love my new painting. I used a bendable ruler and beat the ish out of the canvas. As I've probably said before... "If I would've known painting was the cure to my insanity, I would have started along time ago." When I paint, I just let go. It's quite a process, considering it goes from bad to hum, to ok, to almost, to exhale, I'm smiling. But it's a journey of it's own. The paint on my hands, the fear, the release, the promise; it's all so therapeutic.

I had someone ask me about my other painting today... "So what does it mean?" I smiled sheepishly... I couldn't answer. A famous female artist said something like, it has no meaning, it's up to the viewer and what they see. I finally replied, "emotion". All of my paintings, are a piece of my emotion. Whether it be anger, fear, happiness, frustration or whatever; my paintings are me. Everything I feel at one particular moment, on canvas. I even think, when I'm finished, that's definitely not what I felt when I started. It's a beautiful process that cleanses my soul. It makes me free again.

But I better get to other pressing work matters.
I'm smiling again.
Olisa Rachele

Day 16 [side notes]

Back when I was in a 10ft grave, trying to climb my way out of it... I started going to church. I met a disciple who taught classes about getting your life right with God and how to become a victor and not a victim. In one of the classes she said that we go through life allowing others to attach stereotypes, mean hurtful names and etc to ourselves. We are wearing Velcro suites and every mean name or hurtful thing has been attached to it. For example, like being called stupid, dumb, ugly, and I'm sure you can think of a few more.

My point in mentioning this is that there comes a point in time where you must rip off the names and that damn annoying Velcro suite. There comes a point in time when you just have to say you don't care what this person or that person has to say, feel, think, or whatever. "Just leave me be, I'm livin my life".

It's not that I can't take advice, though I can be a tad defensive at times, depending on the subject. And it's not like I don't value the opinion of those who truly matter to me. I may not always want to take the advice but what I'm trying to say is that all the negative in my life can kiss my yellow ass! Seriously.

With being an artist, you yearn, to some degree for acceptance. The whole point of this was to do my art and love it and the journey it takes me on. We all know that whether your a musician, painter, writer, or whatever; not everyone is going to like your work. That's fine. But what I'm talking about are the people who are just down right rude.

Guess what, to hell with them all. RIGHT!? Yes. I feel like I have grown a lot as an individual. It's hard. I've battle a huge lack of confidence. I've stood up when I wanted to jump off the bridge with no bungee cord and I've come to this road in my life where I just don't care anymore.

This isn't about my art work... it's about me as individual. It's the reason I call my blog BeautifullyODD. I think I can see myself to some degree from the outside... but... on the inside I know who I am. Yes I have faults just like the next person. But you can either love me or hate me. Their choice. I'm me, I'm not going to change because someone thinks this or that. They need to look in the mirror themselves.

The funny thing is, the GI Jane in me would fight. But that armor I was talking about in a pervious blog says that this is more than cussin someone out or trying to explain myself to them when in the end they are just going to continue to act ignorant or all high and mighty. This is me growing up and saying... I DON'T GIVE A DAMN.

moving on... I’ve been editing photos for hours after work. A lot of work but hopefully I'll be done by this weekend. I truly can't wait to see my cuzos reaction. But... I will be relieved to be done and get back to work on my own stuff which brings up another topic that I will blog about some other time.

BE STRONG, BE YOU, BE CONFIDENT, BE WISE, BE HAPPY, BE LOVING
be... BeautifullyODD.

day 13... beautifullyODD

ahhh... I had a very beautiful weekend. Today I woke up to find that the clocks sprang forward. I had planned to wake at 8 but woke up around 9:26 to find out it was 10:26. Life is odd. You lose an hour and you realize, I really can't waste time today.

But I got up and cleaned a little, listened to a Joel Osteen sermon about Developing a Growth Plan. Then did some research and decided to get out the house. I drove down town and explored 10th street around J and K, taking pictures of life. Sat down at a little cafe called Temple and read my books, sketched, and enjoyed a Mexican spice mocha. (delicious)

Then I went and hung out with my boys. Playing cops and robbers is so much better with Nerf Guns. It was sooo fun. We played hide and seek and ran around the house giggling and happy. I love them so. They always put a smile on my face.

I spent some time with a great friend... enjoying deep moments and as our topic turned to God, we picked up the bible and started reading.

And here I am now. Blessed. Soul as squeaky clean as can be...

Tomorrow is a new week. Technically today but I mean new work week. I have a lot of work to do. I need to finish a clients photos and have to write out my plan and the steps to achieve goals. I'll be sharing by the end of the week. I thought my list of things I want to do and learn was my plan but it's not. So I think I need to explain how I will achieve the goals on my list. Joel got me thinking of it... So I need to do that and actually add a few things to it, like the studying text books that were in my trunk. So yea... like I said I'll be sharing that.

And I hope and pray that everyones weekend was great and that the upcoming work week is AmAzing!

MUCH LOVE FOLKS... and stay beautifullyODD
OLisaRAchele

Day 12

Today was peaceful. The cool morning air rushed against my face as I drove to my mothers. The air was crisp and fresh. The sun was fighting against the clouds... leaving traces of beautiful lighting on the side of the road.

I had to baby-sit today but I did clean out my car. I love spring and the idea of spring cleaning. I had accumulated many years worth of garbage, junk and clothes in my trunk and finally today, I cleaned it out. My car is now spotless but what struck me was the business text books I left back there five years ago.

When I first started college I was enrolled in business classes. I hated it. It seems quite contradictory to say I hate business when in the end I want to own one. But the real problem was that I missed my art. I was never into school to begin with and I missed my creative outlet. Hanging with friends and my horrid relationship were not enough for me. But I left the text books in the trunk. For a long time I had no place to put them... I knew that one day they would come in hand... and today was that day. When I picked them up, I realized that everything I need to know, is right here in my hand. If that's not a sign then I don't know what it is. They had been buried beneath a pick nick blanket, clothes, shoes, trash, and if I told you the rest you would be disgusted.

But today when I picked them up... I knew they would be put to better use. Plus I just might be able to increase my gas mileage.

My house is clean, my car is clean, and my soul... well, with some deep meditation tomorrow, it should be squeaky clean.

Much love,
Olisa Rachele

Day 11

Confirmation:

This here: my blog, my art, my words, my dreams is who I am. This is no longer a questionable "idea". This is a must. I don't know if I make since half the time... I don't know if any of this is encouraging in any way... But I hope that one day I can find the way to encourage many.

"This" is me. An extension of who I am. It's me in the raw as I like to say. It's not just a dream... it's a mandatory conquest.

*for those of you who are enduring the same struggles...
1. love thy self
2. believe in yourself
3. fight for your dreams
4. don't doubt yourself
5. keep it movin
6. "just do it"

I'm still workin on all of them. The people around me have all encouraged me in some form or another and I thank you all.

we can

Day 10 part II Becoming a woman....

I really hope that you all believe that change is possible. The thing about it is that I feel that I am becoming a Woman. In my culture, claiming to be a woman, is a right that you have to earn.

Becoming a woman takes more than just simply going to work or school. Everybody if capable should be willing to further themselves in order to achieve their life's purpose. Nor is it about opening your legs. Being a woman is about being respectable, responsible, caring, strong, courageous, loving, encouraging, positive, wise, more than capable, and more than I have still yet to learn or can list. (feel free to add) And just to be clear: having kids does not automatically make you a woman, its just another form of making one out of you if willing.

It's more than a number. There are woman, who at a young age, have been forced to mature quickly and by doing so they reach their womanhood quicker than others. Then theirs the young-ins who think they know it all. I was one of 'em.

Being a woman is your grandmother or nana or any woman in the family that takes care of everyone. Not saying that you have to but they are the woman in your life that will always encourage you when your down. They give you a guiding hand and encourage you by telling you things like, "you can do anything you put your mind to". You may not always like the advice... I know I didn't. But 99.9%of the time... they were right.

Becoming a woman is not a birth right. It's a choice, and if willing, you can be molded into one through your trials and tribulations, through your willingness, and through God.

Claiming to be a woman is like signing up for a major league base ball team or entering the ring and fighting till death for all that you stand for. It's a spirit, an essence, a must.

I am becoming a Woman. To all the women in my life... much love.

BeautifullyODD
Olisa Rachele

side notes:
This touched me the other day: So often in our lives, Satan thinks he is doing some terrible thing to bring about our destruction, and yet God has another plan entirely (see Genesis 50:20). He intends to take what Satan means for our harm and work it out not only for our good, but for the good of the many to whom we will minister. (be ambitious and follow your dreams) *oli

Never could have made it to where I am with out you. Thank You God. <3

Day 10

rise from the occasion...

I've been knee deep in bullshit for the past week. And when I step back and asses the situation I can actually find it humorous. It's funny how we put ourselves in situations to only in the end realize that all this could have been prevented if you would have done a, b, and c. It's so easy to get side tracked... to jump so willingly into the rabbit hole.

I can say I'm learning that this discipline thing is not so easy. Why is it so hard to implement change in our lives? I would think that if you deemed it necessary and vital to your existence you'd have all the motivation you'd ever need to make the change. For example, smoking, we know its bad but its more than the nicotine that makes you want to pick up another one. And another example, food, you want to diet but you'd rather eat the Girl Scout cookies and maybe work out another day.

Change is inevitable. I think its sad when you hear people say people can't change. Change is an ongoing process, it never stops; from the time on the clock changing every second to the new technology being created everyday. I guess I've sorta forgotten why all this is important. Distracted and concerned with garbage and doubting myself once again in my capabilities. I must be afraid to change? But why?

Something is stopping me, is it my ignorance, laziness, my fear of the unknown... what the hell is stopping me? ME. Why do we stand in our own way? How do we tell ourselves, "Hey Self, get out the fucking way." I started this because I was tired of the excuses and I feel like everyday has been an excuse. I need a major dose of ambition.

Ambition, defined in my Heritage Dictionary, says it is "A strong desire to achieve something." I have the desire... though its been wavering. But it's time for it to be STRONG!

I'm strong... but in the wrong way. I have this armor I'm wearing that keeps me in attack mode. I need to let it go. I need to be strong in my will to achieve my dreams, not to kick someone's ass if they screw with me. (I'll keep it tucked to the side incase of emergencies but you get the drift)

I want to be AMBITIOUS. I did finish the first book of the bible, Genesis... I KNOW! It's a huge deal for me because it's taken 25 years to do so. But my point in saying this is that I need to keep my eyes and heart on God. I need to look deep with in and focus on my faith and spirituality. It's the only way my ambition will grow so that I can make the necessary changes in my life.

But then again... my strength is a derivitave of me wanting to kick ass. Me having the the balls / faith to jump! It's my GI Jane spirit.

adopted

Damned from jump…
But rescued within the same moment
You left me before I was even created
You abandoned all hope
Before my heart even started
Another woman’s garbage
Is another woman’s treasure.

Look me in my eye now
Look at the monster in which
The fabric of your being created
Smirk on my face… I’m…
Your worst nightmare
And look at you… ahead of the game…
You have more than one bastared.

I’m not cursing you
Nor do I have pitty
I can’t even determine
if these feelings
Are even
Real.

But I do feel something.
Love for the unknown
Love for the other bastared
you so willingly abandoned.

and yet I only forgive you
because here I stand
your nothing more than
a breeder.

dealing with feelings that i've buried so deep that i don't even know if their legitimate. I sound surprisingly angry... hum. I just have to let it out in some form or another… at work… no room for artistic expression at the moment.

(Family: please don't) please

Day... idk

Well, I know it's day 8... but I WAS SICK THIS WEEKEND. Trust... i lost 5lbs.

But regardless of the day... I feel like a million bucks. LOVE THY SELF. I got my health back, my brain is ready to get to work, and my heart is more than ready.

i feel alive... i can breathe... and at the moment... i love thy self... and let me explain very briefly before i finish editing the photos that will be within the post... I'm not cocky. Trust... But I'm finding my self... and I love what I'm finding... Me.

...if you ever had a low self esteem... were scared of being in your own skin... STOP. Have confidence in all of you. The wacky... the uncontrollable.. the greatness... the everything about you!

love,
olisa rachele
soooVERYbeautifullyODD

Day 3&4

so yea... it's easy to say something but it's another thing to actually do it. It seems slightly pathetic but I'm human and change is not that easy. At least I can acknowledge that change still needs to take place.

I can say, that yesterday, I did handle something better then I would have in the past. I was worried about my financial situation. I spend more than I earn. Not on shoes and clothes but on just living and trying to make it month to month. It's been the grace of God that has helped me get through these past 12months. But instead of worrying... for the first time I actually had faith in the grand scheme. I know where I'm headed. I know what I want. And though its a beautifullyODD struggle... I have faith that God will see me through. But... I can't continue to do the things I have been doing... I have to do my part. So... THANK YOU GOD.

Today... well... it's really just begun.

(hours later) I went to the movies and saw "Just Go With It." It was cute and funny. (maybe there is hope, and i rolled my eyes). I sound bitter... ouch... but that's not important at the moment cause I'm happy right now. I put in my earphones and started dancing around the house listing to all the songs that get me to the next day. (and yes its contradictory to be broke and then go to the movies!!! ugh... I KNOW)

It's been a rough start... Not that this is and excuse and that I'm writing this 31 days off but I'm learning to except myself. Not because I refuse to get up in the morning and work out... but because I want to feel amazing. Happy, everyday. Many people walk around unhappy in their own skin.

I'm sometimes lost in the world and in all of its beauty... and it's at those moments when I feel free... when I can breathe... when my mind isn't mindlessly wandering and battling unnecessary matters.

Day 2

The music flows through my speakers... beats of inspiration... in this beautifullyODD way... it's the air I breathe. It's 8:50... and I'm just now getting the motivation to get to work. Usually I'm pretty good at starting things. It's the follow through that kills me.

My mom said she was proud of me, that she believed in me and that she can see all of my artistic dreams of wanting a business become possible. Truth be told... my mom and I have had a rough relationship. I know that she loves me dearly... but... What makes this rare occasion different is that she sees me as a woman... she sees me as me. I can't explain any further why her approval is important to me it's too deep. gettin teary eyed :) But to know that she believes in my artistic endeavors means the world to me... cause I know that my grandmother would also be proud.

Moving along... the clock went off and I seriously contemplated throwing it against the wall. I'm a night owl! I accept it, I love it. And I seriously don't think a $60 tocky is going to solve my issue.

Next... when I came home I didn't work out... ( i know, at least I'm telling the truth) I WILL TOMORROW, i have too. I came home... laid down for a second. Called my mom... and slowly procrastinated doing the things I needed to finish. When I finally realized my evening was being wasted away because I hate facing my responsibilities I gave myself a little pep talk... stood up, turned off the TV and here I am.

These first two days have not turned out like I had hoped. BUT PLEASE BELIEVE... I'm not giving up. I can proudly say that bills are paid; laundry put away (thats a first), and I can smile.

LOVE ME
beautifullyODD

Day 1 continued...

i dislike the fact that today sounds like one big excuse... got to have clean clothes, food, and pay my bills. to make up for it... i've been wanting to sneak my camera into the laundry matt... so...

there are more but i still need to go to the grocery store... ugh... later guys! hopefully at 5am when the alarm goes off I won't feel like throwing it against the wall. I will awake with a smile on my face and cease the day and be relieved that all this crap has been taken care of! Got to love the first of the month... get paid but it comes with a catch 22.

Day 1

I can admit... TODAY didn't start out that great. Last night I stayed up editing photos and around 11:27 I realized I better go to bed. I even moved my coffee table so that in the morning I could walk right in and work out. But before I even woke up I was having nightmares about getting up. In my dream I heard the alarm go off and when I looked at the clock it said 4:30. I knew there was no way in hell that I'd be able to get up. I laid there drained, saying, "noooooo." That immediately jolted me awake and I was very relieved when the clock said it was 12 something.

But when the alarm clock really did ring... I jumped out of bed and ran to turn it off. That damn blaring sound in the morning is like nails on a chalkboard to me. And yet... I somehow made my way back to my bed. UGH! I have never been a morning person. This is going to be the hardest part of my 31days. Even when I was a kid I would make sure I turned the damn alarm off but then my dad would come barging in my room, "WAKE UP OLISA YOUR GOING TO MISS THE BUS!" Or if I had been able to get up, he would find me on the bathroom floor asleep. Can you turn a night owl into a morning person?

I already have about a 17 hour day... which leaves about 7 hours for sleep. I can't continue to go to bed around 11 to midnight and then turn around and wake up at 5. I could go to bed earlier but I like working on my art at night (its not like i'm paying attention to time... i just get lost in it). Why go against the grain? Should I just except that I’m a night owl and leave working out to when I get off work? I figure I'll give it one more damn try... with all my might! If it works and I'm not sleeping at my desk by 10, then I will most definitely shoot for another day. The whole point is that I work out, even if I have to do it when I get home from work.

*side note: it may seem silly or unimportant to debate when I should work out… “Just choose a damn time and do it.” But things are never that simple with me and once again my intention is to create a schedule that works with me so that I can continue to use it way past the 31 days. I’m trying to form life changing habits. This means I have to really examine myself and why I do things the way I do. My excuse in the past was that I didn’t have time to do so because of my full time job and school and everything else. NO MORE EXCUSES!

On another note... I won't be able to pursue too many of my artistic endeavors today... I have to go sit at the laundry mat, go grocery shopping, and finish paying bills. At least I will have time to sketch and read while sitting at the laundry mat!

The day before...

I woke up at 4am this morning. Decided, what the heck, call your checking account. And wa la... I got paid. I laid there in bed, grateful and wondering if I should go ahead and get the hell up. "No, I can sleep for another 30minutes... or no... just get up because if you go back to sleep it's going to be even harder to get up. And if you do get up... you'll have time to go to IHOP for breakfast." I laid there weighing my options. Pondering my future. The warmth of the sheets and the softness of my pillows comforting my anxieties. "Just get up, so what if your tired by lunch... start the day."

I moved slowly... trying to find my towel, stepping over shoes and dirty clothes and Kleenex. I glanced in the mirror... but didn't stop... I didn't want to see myself. Showered, messed with my uncontrollable hair and got dressed. When I finally did look in the mirror after a morning cig and reading a couple of inspirational quotes I surprisingly smiled.

Two eggs... sunny side up, hash browns, bacon, coffee and pancakes. What more could a girl want after eating cans of green beans and what ever else I could find because I ran out of money way before the end of the month even approached. Sounds contradictive I thought. I said I wouldn't spend my money hastily and waste it on things that are not important. And I'm not trying to make excuses, but breakfast was well deserved. It was needed. It was peaceful, the only one in IHOP at 6am, the only one watching the sun rise outside as I jotted down my feelings in a sketch book.

As I said before the month of February has been quite hectic. Here and there and back again. The month of March will be here tomorrow and today I must spend the last day of the month preparing for my little adventure. No more excuses. Well, I will buy my $6 water colors BUT that's it. I don't sound to enthused about this... I'm in this odd state of peace. No anger or fear. Just at peace.

I have been a little vague about what this 31days really entails. It's just me changing my life and forming personal and creative habits that will help me become a more accountable adult and better artist. It's my finances: not running out of money by the 12 and making sure I put money aside for gas and food. It's my ability to take control of my actions and say no. It's my need to get in shape and feel confident in my own skin (I hate tugging at my shirt because my belly looks like it's got a 'good-year' tire rapped around it). It's me working on my art and not getting discouraged and enjoying the process. It's me forming a routine that works with my schedule so that I can not only start my day and get to work on time but to come home and work on my own business. It's me learning about other artist and reading books. It's me building my confidence in my dreams and a relationship with God.

31 days... I am smiling. I have a plan... now its time to implement it.

Olisa Rachele
beautifullyODD

ps... to all of you seeking change and chasing your dreams... much love

MY MARCH

The month of February has been exhausting. So, I'm coining March as My MissingInAction MONTH. I need to disappear. Granted going to work and the occasional look or two at fb is inevitable but I need to focus. Like I said, it's time to implement the plan.

March 1st I will commit 31 days to a strict regiment. (This sounds daunting.) And honestly what is propeling me to even stick to this crazy idea? 31 days of ME getting up "ON" time, TRYING to work out before even getting to work, making sure I work on my art on a daily basis, and tons of other little things that I need to stop, like smoking and spending money on frivilous things. I must be insane. Seriously.

Why does this seem like torture? I'm a lazy artist who hasn't reached her true potential. I graze here and there like a giraffe in the wild. I need to become the lioness I am outside of my art life and attack my dreams and goals like a tiger taking down a hippo.

If I don't give it a shot... will I ever change? Will I ever grow into the artist I dream of being. As my friend told me today... "Success flows naturally to people who are consistenly productive." Now, I am obvioulsly some what productive. And I can admitt I AM LAZY. But... if I plan to own a small business and be running around like a chicken with its head cut off because I'm booked with photoshoots, meetings, and whatever else... I BETTER GET MY ACT TOGETHER.

"Yeaaaa..." March 1st. If only you could see my face. It's turned up, as if I smell rotten garbage or better yet, as if I have to sift through it to find my golden coin.

I'm still trying to find my own artistic niche and be CONFIDENT in it. If I can get up at 5am, (maybe 5:30) and workout, get to work on time, come home, and just paint, take pictures, do research and etc for 31days straight, I think I'd be a lot further than I am right now.

Or am I going about this all wrong. Just maybe. But I think that's the doubt talking. Granted the lazziness in me is not to thrilled about the working out part but hey! I am not asking to be the best artist at the end of 31 days but learn about myself and who I am as an artist. Yes, the waking up part will be grueling but the chance to freely pursue my art with an "OPEN MIND" and NOT get upset with the results is going to be a beautifulllyODD challange.

31 days of me posting my experience, 31 days of me being a conscientious and an accountable adult, 31 days of doing something new with my art, 31 days to KICKIN ASS

*LOVE ME
beautifullyODD

I AM UP FOR IT. (exhale)

something bitter sweet...

there is no day like today...
my future is in my hands
it's too precious to throw away
I must not drop it

faith and the ones before me
they encourage me to keep going
i cannot give up
i'd be a fool to do so

filthy and scattered
corroded and broken
dust off the pieces to my engine
it's time for it to run again

my heart is revving...
can you hear me
it's not anger in my voice
just fucking determination

i must be more than my past
i must prove to myself that
that i am more than capable
i must breathe again

we inhale the same air
but it's taken the loss of it
to realize that
i am only me

an artist, a lover, a believer, a fighter, a conquer, a human being

I found the map!

So... as you all know... My ship has sailed. Now the ship almost sank but I fixed the leak and then I had to have my doubt and fear walk the plank. But though the ship left the harbor... and I knew where it was going... I didn't have the map to get there. I misplaced it when I came aboard.

But now that I have found the map... I've come to realize a few things...

1. A plan: I was listening to Joel Osteen the other day and he was saying you gotta to have a plan. Goals with out plans become ineffective. We have to make an effort in order to get to the finish line. "If you come up with a plan, God will direct your steps." So, with that said I have been working on a schedule that will help me not only stay focused but meet my short term goals. And as Twyla Tharp says... us creative people have to form habitual habits in order to stay committed to the dream. (something like that)

2. Sometimes I feel like shit and I don't want to do anything... but Joyce Myer said that if you start doing what you know is right then your feelings will catch up with it. I believe it. When we feel like we can't, or that we don't wish to continue pushing on... we tend to want to give up... but there is that little needle in the haystack that says... get up! We have to not ignore it and find the strength to persevere.

3. My determination: well... I knew I had to graduate with my AA in photography. I couldn't walk away from it. But, now that I'm not going to school... what is going to motivate me? I don't have a professor telling me what to do, I don't have my conscious telling me that I have to pass this class so that I can achieve step 1, 2 & 3. I want to start a business. I am not committed to attend class, I am not obligated to write a research paper. But I am determined to achieve my goal. So... by implementing a plan I am now obligated... and though I have to be completely accountable for my actions... my dream is still there. It has not died because I'm not attending school.

4. Life... however hard is so very beautifullyODD. People are swarming around sayin the world is going to end this date and this date. But I believe that life is beautiful... I believe that the human race has hope... I believe that God... hears me... and because of that... I am going to give it my best till the end of time...
"you gotta dance like nobody's watchin, dream like you will live forever, live like you're going to die tomorrow and love like it's never going to hurt." ~Meme Grifsters

In the end... this is the beginning of my wildest dreams. There is much to do. More than I can even begin to comprehend. And I am more than willing to fight for it.

So whats first... (exhale) I have projects to finish... one day at a time.. things to learn... one day at a time... and hope that is never dying.

much love to you all... chase your dreams... AND NEVER, GIVE UP!

LOVE, ME
OLISA RACHELE
so beautifullyODD